The Blues

I've been feeling extremely depressed for the past week or so.

This is not the kind of emo feelings, the kind of blues you feel once in a while; it is definately more severe than that. The depressive mood intensifies after I started studying crazily for my exams (average 12 hours and the max I clocked was 16.5 hours) and it became worse as I sat for more papers (I'm only half done with it - 2 papers down, 2 more to go). Recently, it took me an extremely long time to drift off to sleep and when I did sleep, there was a lack of quality in it. I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness.

Instead of feeling fresh, I wake up feeling extremely down and at times, with a strong urge to cry. However, I never once cried, not because I'm trying hard to withold my emotions or whatsoever but the tears just refuse to flow. It feels kind of terrible as I can't find an avenue to 'release' my negative emotions; it's like a ball of negative energy trapped within me. And I still do feel that way now.

As I study for abnormal psychology, I find myself meeting more and more symptoms of major depressive episode in DSM-IV-TR. I have a sense of hopelessness, I feel depressed, I have a significant decrease in appetite (which is good in a bad way, since I couldn't curb my appetite prior to this), I can't seem to think logically or as well as I used to, I can't sleep at night and when I do, there is a lack of quality as I drift in and out of consciousness (insomnia), I feel really tired (could be because I've been studying too hard, so this factor can be excluded) and I find no pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy or rather, I don't even feel like doing anything (a sign of anhedonia). Unlike two weeks ago, I don't even have the urge to go home now, even though I don't really enjoy staying back in Canberra for the winter holidays.

As a psychology student, I jolly well know that these aren't good signs and they may lead to negative consequences which can be detrimental for my well-being. I also know that there are ways to alter my thoughts and beliefs, so that they will lead to a better outcome but I can't seem to do it. It's like, asking a doctor to cure himself/herself or a hairdresser to cut his/her own hair. You just can't seem to do it as well when performing it on yourself.

Meanwhile, I will try to shift my focus on my studies and hopefully, in due time, I'll learn to cope and handle my emotions through the altering of my thoughts. Maybe, this could be an exam thing and after the exam period ends, all these problems will magically disappear, especially after I return to Singapore. I have no idea. Shall wait and see.

At the moment, I will prefer to be socially isolated. If there's something pressing, you can reach me via facebook or email. Otherwise, I will prefer to be left alone and I seek your understanding on it. Thank you very much. Take care till then.

Note: I will be returning to Singapore soon. If anyone wants anything from Australia, please inform me before Saturday through facebook or email.

When in Doubt, Pray.

I experienced several hiccups since I returned to Australia this semester. Prior to that, I also went through quite a bit of bad times and there were many times when I wondered where life will lead me to. I had been (and still am) trying really hard to work towards what my life goals and somehow, thing's just didn't seem to run as smoothly as I thought it would be. There were many times when I thought of giving up and/or wondered if I am making the right choices and decisions in life. I was starting to doubt myself; my capabilities, my plans, my thoughts etc. To be honest, this has been bothering me for quite some time and it has actually distracted me quite a bit.

Since I always believe in the notion of "when in doubt, pray" and I've been praying quite a bit lately, especially in the past week. Then, as I was surfing online for school work related issues, I saw the following:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It may be a coincidence for this verse to appear in relation to my prayer (sorf of) but I decided to interpret it as a positive sign from the lord, and I'm keeping my hopes high for a better future.

E-Book

I have never bee a fan of e-book. For one, I really like the feeling of holding onto books and flipping through the pages. Secondly, I dislike straining my eyes to read small text from a small screen off an eletronic device, especially when the screen is reflective or glaring. Thirdly, I don't see the need of having more electronic devices. I think having a laptop, an iPhone and an iTouch is sufficient. More electronic devices mean having to charge more electronic devices and added weight to my bag. Not the best thing when all you want to carry is a small little cute handbag.

However, my stand is starting to quiver when I was surfing on Amazon's website. I was looking for a book and saw 3 different prices; $88 for Kindle Edition, $157.99 for Hardcover and $102.08 for Paperback. With kindle edition costing almost half of the hardcover's price, I clicked on it to find out what kindle edition was about. Then, I realise that Kindle is an e-book reading device.

Promotional Video


Review by Tested.com

After watching the promotional video and a third party's positive review, I am starting to reconsider the idea of owning an e-book reader. Though I like to 'collect books' and subscribe to magazines on a monthly basis, there is simply insufficient space in my small apartment (both in Singapore and Australia) to store every single book and magazine I purchase. Moreover, I find it hard to retrieve books that are packed into the storeroom and that means that my books are placed in the 'cold palace' after reading it once or twice. It takes lots of effort trying to find that one particular book when I need it because it will be stored in cardboard boxes that is on top (or below) other cardboard boxes. In short, my books and magazines are under-utilised and it's a waste of money throwing or giving away books that are used only once or twice, not because I don't want to use it but because I can't use it.

With e-books being sold at a significantly lower price that hardcopies and with e-book readers of better quality, I am starting to view the purchase of an e-book reader in a serious note. Anyone has any suggestions for me?

Sick Again

After running a fever that day, I had migraines on Tuesday. Though it's not uncommon for me to suffer from migraines, the one I had that night was really bad, so bad that I broke out in cold sweat, shivering in pain. I know I needed to rest when it was made worse by my urge to puke.

However, the pain was so great I couldn't sleep. I mean, how can you get into the mood to sleep when you can hear your heart thumping loudly in your head? And when I finally drifted off to sleep, I was woken up three hours with an intense headache. How great was that?

I usually avoid the use of painkiller for various reasons. Avoiding negative side effects, increasing my level of tolerance for pain and preventing myself for being overly reliant on painkiller are a few reasons to name. However, I know that I really needed pain relief when I'm woken up by a throbbing headache. I rambled through my cupboard and first aid kit only to realise that I have every medication needed for common illness and emergencies but painkiller! How can anyone not have panadol! (In case ya wondering, I didn't take any form of medication when I ran a fever the last time. I just bore with the pain and discomfort throughout that period of time.) I wanted to knock on my housemates' door but it was 7 in the morning and they were still asleep. I had no choice but to cringe in pain and try to sleep. Sighs.

Thankfully, I woke up feeling better. Instead of having severe migraines,
I had a mild headache which lasted for another two days. This time round, I'm down with a sore throat on top of the flu which I had from the previous week when I was running a fever. Sighs. Bad news is I ran outta lozenges and have to continue to bear with the pain.

Why do I keep falling ill? When will I ever recover? I need a strong body and good
health to see me through the exam period. Dear immune system, will you work harder
to win the war and the maintain peace within the body? Please Don't be such a failure!