The Blues

I've been feeling extremely depressed for the past week or so.

This is not the kind of emo feelings, the kind of blues you feel once in a while; it is definately more severe than that. The depressive mood intensifies after I started studying crazily for my exams (average 12 hours and the max I clocked was 16.5 hours) and it became worse as I sat for more papers (I'm only half done with it - 2 papers down, 2 more to go). Recently, it took me an extremely long time to drift off to sleep and when I did sleep, there was a lack of quality in it. I found myself drifting in and out of consciousness.

Instead of feeling fresh, I wake up feeling extremely down and at times, with a strong urge to cry. However, I never once cried, not because I'm trying hard to withold my emotions or whatsoever but the tears just refuse to flow. It feels kind of terrible as I can't find an avenue to 'release' my negative emotions; it's like a ball of negative energy trapped within me. And I still do feel that way now.

As I study for abnormal psychology, I find myself meeting more and more symptoms of major depressive episode in DSM-IV-TR. I have a sense of hopelessness, I feel depressed, I have a significant decrease in appetite (which is good in a bad way, since I couldn't curb my appetite prior to this), I can't seem to think logically or as well as I used to, I can't sleep at night and when I do, there is a lack of quality as I drift in and out of consciousness (insomnia), I feel really tired (could be because I've been studying too hard, so this factor can be excluded) and I find no pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy or rather, I don't even feel like doing anything (a sign of anhedonia). Unlike two weeks ago, I don't even have the urge to go home now, even though I don't really enjoy staying back in Canberra for the winter holidays.

As a psychology student, I jolly well know that these aren't good signs and they may lead to negative consequences which can be detrimental for my well-being. I also know that there are ways to alter my thoughts and beliefs, so that they will lead to a better outcome but I can't seem to do it. It's like, asking a doctor to cure himself/herself or a hairdresser to cut his/her own hair. You just can't seem to do it as well when performing it on yourself.

Meanwhile, I will try to shift my focus on my studies and hopefully, in due time, I'll learn to cope and handle my emotions through the altering of my thoughts. Maybe, this could be an exam thing and after the exam period ends, all these problems will magically disappear, especially after I return to Singapore. I have no idea. Shall wait and see.

At the moment, I will prefer to be socially isolated. If there's something pressing, you can reach me via facebook or email. Otherwise, I will prefer to be left alone and I seek your understanding on it. Thank you very much. Take care till then.

Note: I will be returning to Singapore soon. If anyone wants anything from Australia, please inform me before Saturday through facebook or email.